Yo dont text me then not text me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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