I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize