Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
