Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
