addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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