I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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