She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize