she was so not down for the gang bang
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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