I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
