Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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