he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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