I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
