just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
