Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The air taste purple.
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