I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
