She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
