I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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