On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
