could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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