I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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