6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
