I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Randomize
