she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize