This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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