He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
