You're completely useless in the revolution.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
this is an emotional support booty call
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize