Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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