so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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