mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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