The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
