i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
