I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize