Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
