the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
