I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
