This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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