I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
