My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize