I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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