Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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