More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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