You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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