Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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