Just fell off a train. Bad.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
