I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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