it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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