I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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