He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
did you just send me my own nude
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
try to milk me bitch
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
