Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
