alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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