My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
