I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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