I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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