I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
