I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize