do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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