Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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