Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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