Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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