my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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