you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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