She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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